Martial Arts and Marriage

I’m not only learning the martial art of kenpo karate this year. I’m also learning some things about marriage (of course, as a marriage therapist—how couldn’t I?) One of the lessons I’ve learned is the tremendous emphasis in martial arts on the virtue of respect.

Before entering and exiting the mat, a bow is required out of respect for the space on which we train and spar. Of course, no one bows like this before entering a grocery store or McDonalds. People would stare at you if you did.  But a bow is appropriate when standing before a space or person that you respect (the most reverent act of all is to lay prostrate—which some dojo’s require children to do before their parents in ceremonies). In Asian culture, a bow is a basic show of respect to another person. 

In your marriage, how much respect do you show to your spouse?  How do you show it?  For many couples, the first and the last time they display an outward sign of respect is in their marriage ceremony. After that, their marriage space becomes less honored than that of a grocery store. I regularly observe how much couples respect each other in my office. When spouses meet each other for their marriage sessions, just the way they greet each other reflects how much they respect each other. Some couples don’t even say hi to each other. Other couples will kiss each other and ask how the other is doing. I’m sure the same behavior is true in their homes. When you return home at the end of the day, remember that you are entering a place of honor and respect as you greet your spouse. If it helps you to remember—take a bow as you enter through the door. You are about to meet someone who deserves your respect.

Another lesson from karate is to respect your opponent while fighting. This is a profound rule to always, always, always remember in both martial arts and in marriage. When you fight with your spouse, you are not fighting to conquer an enemy. And when we spar in a dojo, we are not fighting to disable or hurt each other. We keep respect for each other from the beginning to the end. Before we spar, we bow to each other. After we spar, we bow to each other. We follow rules to not seriously hurt each other. No punches are allowed to the (unprotected) face. A hit to your opponent’s face expels you from the dojo. We fight fair—not dirty. We keep respect for each other before, during and after a fight.

Too many couples lose respect for each other as soon as they start fighting about something. Instead of feeling respected after a fight, one or both are left hurt and rejected. There is nothing wrong when a couple fights about something. But there is everything wrong when a couple fights without respect for the other. If it helps you remember—take an emotional bow to your spouse before and after you fight. Remember that he or she is not your enemy.

One last thing before I bow out of this blog to you. We have one more gesture before we bow at the dojo. We put our hands out in front of us first, clasping our left open hand over our right fist. The left hand symbolizes the scholar.The right fist symbolizes the warrior.  The scholar hand covers the right fist. In the martial arts, we use our wisdom to control our aggression. In your marriage, use your wisdom to control your wrath. Use your head to control what you do and say. And never allow yourself to “lose your temper”, which is both a lie and a cop-out. People don’t “lose” their tempers—they “choose” their tempers.

When you fight with your spouse, choose the virtues of a martial artist. As you show respect for each other at all times, your marriage will have significantly less occasions for fights in the first place. Use your wisdom, keep respect for each other. Take a bow.