Emotional Masonry and Brick Wall Men



 

Not easy to hug

“My husband is a brick wall."  "Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.”  If there is a frequent description of men that I hear from my office couch, it has some variation on the theme of brick walls.  Guys, this shouldn't be a surprise--but women don't like brick walls.  They are hard to hug and hard to talk with over dinner.   

 

Ever wonder why so many men are experts at emotional masonry?  While some men are more brick-like than others, I think all men have an inclination to be that way.   Here are three main reasons for the inclination.  Before you read them, remember that these aren't meant as excuses to act like a brick.  These are only meant to help both men and women understand why men are inclined this way (suggestions on de-bricking will come in part two). 

First, men have a more difficult time than women to calm down in times of conflict.  It's in their brain chemistry.  Men not only get aroused more intensely (their higher doses of adrenalin cause more rapid anger arousal), but they also take a much longer time to calm down.  For these reasons, men are more likely to avoid an argument or stressful encounter with women.  Acting like a brick is one way to keep his emotions from getting out of hand. 

Second, men don't access and verbalize their emotions as quickly as women.  It's their brains again. The corpus collosum in women's brains is larger than men's.  This part of the brain connects both the right and left hemispheres of the brain.  So while a woman is able to access both sides of her brain as fast as a bullet train, a man is still trying to formulate what is going on in his head.   If he's slow as a mule to say something or looks like a deer in the headlights, its probably because he's still thinking and needs more time.  This verbal phenomenon can be seen as early as the first grade.  While girls are already verbal chatterboxes, boys are monosyllabic and favor making grunts, burps and wrestling more than conversing.  Boys' verbal and speech abilities are just different. By fifth grade, boys with stutter and speech problems outnumber girls four to one.  While some mothers may fear that their twelve year old boys are already communicating like little brick walls, they may be acting like perfectly normal boys.     

A third reason for men's emotional masonry is that men don’t cry.  OK, that's not true.  Men can and do cry at times, but they have ancient reasons for controlling themselves.  Masculine control of emotional pain comes out of men's historic role to protect tribe, land, women and children.  The warrior nature of men precludes him from showing pain or fear.  There is no room on a battlefield for tears.  First responders like police and fire-fighters also can't break down on the job.  Men's action movies commonly reflect this masculine control of emotions.  Characters like James Bond face death through terrifying car chases, shoot-outs and fights on top of a speeding train, and then show no emotion after the mayhem.  He just straightens out his tie and walks down the street.  Men love that.  While most men can't really act like Bond or Super Man or Iron Man, they can do a pretty good impression of Brick Wall Man. 

Yet Brick Wall Men need to remember that there is a time and a place for everything.  A man who acts like a brick on the battlefield and also over a romantic dinner will spoil a perfectly good evening with his beloved.  Brick fathers also push their kids away.  When you act like a brick around loved ones, they simply can't get close to you.  In worst cases, this kind of emotional wall drives some wives to divorce.  When your loved ones reach out to talk with you, let them touch you and see your heart.  Verbalize your feelings and thoughts as much as you can to them, even if you think you aren't good at it.  You aren't living in a James Bond movie (thank God).  You don't have to be a brick.