Talking Points for Talking with Your Spouse

1. Never forget that your spouse is still your boyfriend or girlfriend—so treat him or her as you did before marriage with boatloads of respect and kindness. Remember how you used to listen to your beloved, asking him or her all kinds of questions? You not only asked how he or she was doing every day—you really wanted to know. You listened with both your ears and your eyes. After the wedding, some spouses mysteriously become deaf and blind, using one ear and no eyes when they talk.

2. Do you treat strangers better than your own spouse? Do you say things to your spouse that you would never say to strangers? Many spouses routinely use profanities at each other that they would never say to strangers. Words can kill or heal. Decide if you want to be a murderer or a doctor with your words.

3. You don’t use profanity? But do you routinely use words like "you never, ever, or always do ____________!"? Such words are profane because the generalizations throw out the truth. Does he really NEVER talk with you? Is she ALWAYS too tired for sex? Do you say these things anyway? You discredit the other person when you generalize their actions. That builds resentment. And resentment can cause him to quit talking to you, for her to be too tired for him, and for this cycle to continue FOREVER and ALWAYS.

4. Speak for yourself. It’s easy to say "You don’t care. You are _____________ (a selfish jerk, etc.,). It’s better and just as easy to start with an "I". "I was waiting for you to meet me at the restaurant at 7PM. What happened?" "I feel tuned out when you watch TV in bed. I’d like to get rid of it." Let your spouse know where you are coming from, and he or she can then speak for himself or herself.

5. Getting angry? It’s impossible to not get angry with your spouse about something. But it is possible to control your anger and use it responsibly. It is a cop-out to "lose your temper." You choose to lose it. You choose to control it. You always decide. Your temper does not control you. You control your anger. Practice points 2, 3 and 4 above when you are angry. And if you need time to cool off, then take your time. Better to take a ten minute break for a walk around the block then to say something that breaks your spouse’s heart. You can use the time to think how to say what you need to say, and then say it more effectively. There is nothing wrong with anger. What matters is how you express it.

6. Memorize one of the shortest verses from the Bible (whether you are religious or an atheist). "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger." (James 1:19) All these talking points are summed up in this one gem of wisdom. Live by this advice, and you will have a master’s degree in communication with your spouse.

7. Repeat point number one. Once upon a time when you dated your spouse, you routinely spoke words of affection, appreciation, desire and support. Keep speaking such words with your spouse every day. Call or text your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend (aka your spouse) just as you did with each other before you were married. Your dating life should last a lifetime. Have multiple "affairs" with your spouse--keep your romance exciting for both of you. Routinely ask, "How are you doing?" and listen with two ears and two eyes. Enjoy your conversation.

Bonus Talking Point
Want a Ph.D. in communication? Try this. After you have listened to your spouse say whatever she or he has to say, extend the conversation (and show your interest) by saying these five words; "And is there anything else?" These words show that you seriously want to know all that they are thinking or feeling--good or bad, favorable or not. Ask for more, listening with two ears and both your eyes. Try it and notice the difference.