Husbands: If You Want to be the Head of Your Wife...Don't be a Bonehead!

Husbands can have a warped view of what it means to be the head of their wives.  While the Bible says that a husband is the head of his wife (Eph. 5:23), a man’s human nature can easily twist that for his own selfish intentions.  As a therapist who has worked with many Christian husbands in marriage therapy, I’ve seen this selfish distortion of Scripture destroy husbands, wives and marriages. So here’s a correction and picture for all husbands who would be Christian heads--don't be a bonehead or blockhead.  Never forget that it's a bloody head.

Having just observed Good Friday and the crucifixion of Jesus, we have a sobering picture of what the head of the Church looks like. It’s a head covered in blood with thorns embedded in it. It’s not a comfortable crown. It’s dirty and it hurts like hell. Christian husbands sometimes forget what Christ’s head looked like after he sacrificed himself for the world. Our selfish human nature prefers to be loved like that instead of loving like that. In fact, some husbands want their wives to love them like Christ loved the church. That’s just plain backward.

As Jesus was getting his head bashed in and lashed 39 times, Peter was scared out of his mind. Although he had promised to die to protect Jesus, his human nature kicked in and he reconsidered the cost. How many husbands also reconsider the cost of marriage after their wedding day? Though they pledge to love their wives to their dying breath and put her above all others, human selfishness can kick right in within a month or two. The symptoms can even start up during the honeymoon. Like Peter, its one thing to say something noble, but it’s another thing to really do it—especially for a lifetime.

In fact, some husbands don’t believe they’re really supposed to love their wives that much anyway. Whether religious or atheist, they think their role as head of household gives them a right to be selfish and served. Such husbands are usually entitled and controlling men to start with. They’re both bullies and mama’s boys. Like adult babies they sit in high chairs and bang their spoons for attention. They expect the world, wives and children to revolve around them. They don’t take no for an answer, and sometimes throw temper tantrums.

I hate to say this, but I know one husband who demanded that his wife change her shoes before their guests arrived for dinner. When his wife didn’t comply, he went into a rage, threw his Bible (a big Bible) at her, and yelled at her to go to her room and not come out until she read it (like the passage on husbands and headship?) Their dinner party was not the only thing that was destroyed.  She eventually divorced him.  While I wish this was the only story I’ve heard of such self-centered and controlling “headship”, there are many more. Husbands like this demand conformity, respect (fear), and service that borders on slavery. And they’re genuinely surprised--and angry--when their wives leave them. 

For men who would be the head of their wives, remember you’re not wearing a comfortable crown. While the Bible says that Jesus wears a crown of gold today--us mortal men don't. But if you want to love your wife in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave his life for her, then consider your head wearing a crown of thorns at times.  It will keep you from getting a big head (entitled) or from acting like a hardhead (demanding) around your wife. Selfish husbands should be an oxymoron. If you really want to be the head of your wife, then protect and serve her with your very life.  That's using your head.